Flygirl and the world of Paragliding - FLYGIRL

FLYGIRL - On Winning and Losing

The Journey (photo Jaco Wolmarans)

There is a Denis Cortella quote that goes like this:

To learn to win, you must first learn to lose

There are many aspects to losing and winning, one or two of which we touch on, on www.pgfourm.com . My biggie is the 'fear of losing'. When you are on top and you are fighting to stay on the top, because you believe that the only other alternative is down.

I recently won the Best Lady title for the XC Open 2007 . It is a series of cross country long distance competitions (the only one of its kind) where cross country enthusiasts from all over the world, from your average pilot to your skygod, gather and fly together on four continents. The more competitions you fly in the Series the better chance you have of winning it overall. But it is an expensive and time consuming pursuit. Most pilots can only enter one or two competitions and that gives the average pilot like myself a chance to do well if we enter more than one. And that is what I did.

But am I really any good? Do I deserve the title Best Lady of the XC Open for 2007?

The first competition in the Series was in Manilla, Australia. I was just coming back from a debilitating fear cycle after watching a fellow pilot die at my knees and I was still very shaky. Hang-glider pilot Hayo had died two years previously after crashing immediately after launch at Dasklip Pass, but I was still feeling the repercussions of being a witness. I was one of four people taking turns to give him CPR for 45 minutes, even though we knew that it was in vain after the first 10 minutes. It devastated me as it did the others, some of whom are no longer flying. As we walked away, after the paramedic had pronounced him dead, so did my veil of innocence for the sport I loved so much, fall away.

That could have been me. I had been flying that day.

I have a long history with depression, a serious bout of which was triggered by my experiences in the Rwandan Refugee camps of Zaire together with a sense of betrayal by my family surrounding that event and the terrible self loathing for who I was, or rather, was not. I am no Florence Nightingale and was not very suited to Aid Work. Within months of my return to South Africa I was broken, damaged and barely able to function. I was a husk of the vibrant, athletic young girl I once was.

Posing (photo by Richard Shorey)

My sport I loved so much at that time was kickboxing. I was undefeated. In the beginning I fought because I loved to fight, but after winning the SA Ladies Title I became afraid of what would happen if I lost a fight. Would the crowds, my father, not love me anymore? Little girl fears, but fears none the less real. I refused to fight international kickboxers fearing I would be mismatched and broken physically and in spirit as had been the case with our best undefeated male fighter. You could call me a coward and you would be right.

Gaynor Schoeman

But the Universe will not be denied teaching its lessons. After my return from Zaire and the Rwandan refugee camps I was a different person, physically, mentally and emotionally. I had a title defence scheduled for the end of the year, but my training was heart breaking for both me and my kickboxing Sensei Paddy Carson. Shaking his head one night, he sadly said that I had lost my Will to live; and I knew, as I sat panting on the edge of the training ring, that he was right. I was hollow. I had no fight left in me.

But there was still a shadow of the person I was, demanding one more fight and so he did his best to prepare me for my last fight at the Wild Coast Sun (1994/5). Like 'Rocky Balboa', I wanted one last Hoorah before I hung up my gloves for good. I won that fight, but it was not pretty. I barely scraped through with points. It was a disappointing fight for both me and the crowds. But I won and that was what was important, right? ...... I thought so at the time. I never fought again. And I never learned the lesson.

Lady Kickboxer

However a new battle had begun in side of me - the ultimate battle to try and conserve what little Will I had left to Live. I had seen so many people die, so many acts of courage and results of betrayal. I had seen the evidence of the evil that is in all of us and I had to think to myself - is this really worth it? The human race is a terrible creation, a virus. What's the point? The 'betrayal' and alienation I felt at the hands of my own family upon my return put me over the edge. Better to die and not be a part of this 'ghastly' world anymore. Only my Gran's Love helped me through it all. Lightly as an Angel, Muriel Van Der Leeuw is always there for me, offering words of love and encouragement, seeking nothing in return. Although we hardly see each other or even communicate that much, knowing that her love is forever, no matter what, my Gran is my anchor to this world.

I will spare you the details, but after 7 years of 'purgatory', wishing I was dead, a very unusual Guardian Angel came to visit and set in motion events that made me realise what a precious Gift life is and that it is not to be squandered. The super destructive cycle I was in was finally broken and several months later the Universe gave me a reward for making the right decision to hold onto life - I was invited to go on a tandem flight.

Gaynor and Ian Willis-Training Day (photo by Jaco Wolmarans)

Such a simple thing, but that tandem flight with Ian Willis and the one after, gave me reason to Live. It was such an awesome experience I just knew I had to get my own licence and do it for myself. I was a problematic student and took a year and over 100 flights to qualify. Ian would describe me as one day being as strong as a bull and the next, a scared little girl. He never knew what to expect when I walked onto take off, because I am adept at hiding my addiction to depression from other people.

But there can be no secrets in flying. The air knows, the Universe flowing through you knows. Your wing feels your movements and you in turn feel you are a part of it all, that you are held in the palm of the Universe and you are loved - or - on a bad day, you are an alien and a trespasser hanging beneath a piece of cloth high in the sky which can collapse at any time and send you falling to your death far below.

4 Years of being in love with paragliding and Life

In love with Paragliding & Life (photo Andrew Ingram)

For four years my depression faded to the point where I no longer felt its effects. I felt FREE! I was flying for myself and only myself and I was filled with Light and Love - I was in Love, with Flying. The World was a beautiful place to be a part of. But depression is like alcoholism. It is never completely over, never gone, at least not for me. You just learn to manage it. And you can NEVER let it get a foot in the door, or it will claim you again. So, as I walked away from Hayo's earthly remains, where Life had thrived just a few moment ago, I fell off the 'wagon' and into the arms of my 'old friend', depression. Depression understood that life sucked!!

I tried very hard for the year after that to conquer my fears regarding mountains and flying, but I was a wreck. The harder I pushed, the harder the fear pushed back at me and I started developing panic attacks whilst in the sky. Each time I launched, I visualised myself dying. My palms were sweaty, I was wrung out with anxiety and in flight, if I came anywhere near a cliff or mountain, I would see myself taking a collapse and spiralling down to my death, ricocheting against the cliffs. After one particularly bad episode at a beautiful site I would sometimes fly from on my own, Groot Kanonkop (Simonsberg) I packed up my glider and gave it to a friend with strict instructions not to give it to me for two months.

I was now in my second year of the fear cycle and I was running out of options. If the break from flying did not work, I knew I would have to give it up or I would get hurt. To fly with so much fear was simply not worth what little joy I occasionally got out of it - and it was dangerous. Fear can effect a persons handling of the wing and cause them to over-react and worsen a situation. I suffered withdrawals from the lack of flying. I became hard and abrupt as I tried to get to grips with the depression that was slowing invading my mind, my emotions and eventually my body. I was jealous of the fun everyone else was still having and I became angry at being so crippled. I felt so sorry for myself, but I still hoped that I would one day see the beauty in the world again, as I once had in my first years of flying.

The darkness that was dragging me down was relentless. I am a loner by nature, even before the depression and I had no-one to turn to. I could pay a therapist to listen and help me see balance, but I had already gone that route in the past and did not want to walk that path again. I was spiralling down in my second year of 'Loss of Innocence' and resigned myself to my fate. My business was suffering. I was tired. I had done this all before and knew what was coming. I took myself out of the flying community to protect them and myself from my outbursts. Breaking all ties, I curled up into a corner where I licked the pus from my festering wounds in resignation and anguished silence - and waited.

Gardens of The Four Seasons Hotel, Chang Mai

But hope is amazing and I desperately wanted to see beauty in the world again and when December 2005 came, I gave myself a Christmas present. I wanted to be, just for a few days, in the most beautiful place in the whole world. I booked into the Four Seasons Hotel in Chang Mai , Thailand. It looks exactly like its website which is simply wonderful. This Four Seasons is such an 'un-hotel' like destination - beautiful teak wooden 'bungalows' with tree-top pagodas set in exquisite rice paddy gardens with the most awesome Spa I have ever experienced. On arrival in Chang Mai, the taxi lady driver asked if I was ill. I was wasted, my spirit withered and it showed. I was so far gone that I could not hide what was going on inside of me anymore - it was leaking out through my pores for everyone to see.

Thai public transport

I could only afford two nights in this hotel and I wanted to soak up every second of my time there. Although I arrived with my faithful, but tatty old back pack and jeans, the staff treated me like an honoured guest. They upgraded my room (I had booked the cheapest one they had at R3500 room only) to one with more of a view than just the immediate beautiful gardens. I was entranced. The luxury of the solid teak rooms and earthing finishes was simply breathtaking.

I spent a fortune in the Spa and it was worth every penny. If you should ever have the good fortune to one day visit the Four Seasons in Chang Mai and Mr Jirisak is still working there, book a traditional Thai Massage with him. He is simply a Master. The experience was explosive as he unlocked some of my trapped energy.

Tam Wua Forest Monastery

After that I was on a budget - a serious budget. When I asked the hotel to call a taxi and drop me off at the local bus station, they were taken aback at first, but quickly recovered and made all the arrangements. I travelled further north, sleeping in really low budget beds, when one day, whilst riding a scooter in the mountains, I discovered Tam Wua Monastery offering Vepassana meditation. Well that sounded like something I could benefit from. The grounds were beautiful. Little wooden huts set in a circle of carefully tendered grass with a large fishpond, surrounded by mountains. It was a like a volcano crater formed a long time ago and now grown over with lush vegetation.

I stayed with the cooks, nuns and monks of Tam Wua for 9 nights. My body alternatively ached from sleeping on the hard wooden floors, to my back and hip joints screaming in absolute agony as I sat for hours in meditation. The people were beautiful and tried to help me, extending me great kindness, but I never did learn how to meditate successfully. However it did me good to be with such beautiful people and in peaceful surroundings.

A beautiful Thai face

Visitors Huts at Tam Wua

A young apprentice monk

I travelled for a few more days in northern Thailand, but then returned to the Four Seasons for one last night in complete luxury, the manager Andrew Harrison showing me the kindness I discovered to be prevalent in rural Thailand, giving me a luxurious room next to a waterfall at a reduced rate.

My time in Thailand over, I returned home with a new found sense of peace and acceptance of my situation. The same taxi driver now taking me to the airport, commented that I looked much better..... :-) I now knew I could let go of my 'need' to fly and not panic at the thought of never flying again if that is what must be. Life would go on. I would adapt. With this acceptance, some months later upon 'airing' my wing at a newly founded site called Koringberg , I discovered flatland flying. Low stress flying in a safer environment than ridge flying.

Koringberg, Sth Africa - My love for flatlands flying was born here

Mt Borah, Manilla, Australia. A larger Koringberg

Why is it safer? Because most of your flight takes place at around 1000m above the ground where as on the ridge you are often flying within 100m of the rocks. I wanted to put as much space between me and that hard stuff. Like the saying goes: its not the air that kills you, its the stuff around the edges.....

In October 2006, almost a year later, I flew in a friendly flatland competition in De Aar (North Vs South ) and started clocking 100kms flights. In November we had a crisis in the South African Team when our top lady pilot had an accident that took her out of the Paragliding World Championships (The Olympics of paragliding held every two years) scheduled for February in Manilla, Australia 2007. There was a scramble to see which South African lady would take her place as the next two Nationally Ranked lady pilots did not yet meet the required qualifications. We had one more National competition to go a few days before the deadline for the international registration closed and it was a knife edge as to whether Tracey could fly the 50km flight that was the last minimum requirement she had to meet. Khobi had already taken herself out of the competition before it had barely begun.

Andrea Joubert and I already qualified by the competitions requirements, Andrea through her past competition points and me through my recent two x 100km flights in October in De Aar, but we were not seriously considered because our National Rankings were so low. Even though Andrea and I already met the qualifying requirements for the prestigious International event, we did not meet the requirements of the South African National Team Selectors, Paul Penning and the 'Top 15' pilots in the National Rankings. Khobi gave me this advice 'Ask yourself - Do you really think you are worthy of flying for South Africa'. Paul Penning asked much the same: 'Do you really believe you deserve to be a part of the SA Team?'

Being thought of as unworthy by others is a bit of a red flag for me. I already have enough self esteem issues with out being given more by other people. De Aar, a flatlands site I love with a passion, is not included in our National Competition circuit because winch launching is not approved of by the Top 15 and so I can never prove to the Selectors that I am 'worthy' of flying for South Africa. I know I am not worthy of representing South Africa in a mountain competition because my fears make my useless in that environment - but I fly the flatlands well.

The XC Open World Series At that time I did not care about Springbok colours - I just wanted to fly Manilla. I wanted to fly those flatlands with every fibre in my being. Everything I heard about the place, all the pictures I had seen, made it extremely important to me to be there. I was once more filled with a burning passion for flying. That is when I discovered the XC Open. The XC Open first round competition for the 2007 Series was scheduled just before The Worlds. And anyone could enter - even me :-) I was not 'worthy' of flying for my country, but I was worthy of flying for myself. Registration was already fully booked and I had to go on a waiting list as a 'Wild Card' that took forever to fall in my favour. But it did. And I flew. And I did not come last. And I had so much fun :-)

I flew a personal best of 144kms in Manilla and upon my return to South Africa I flew 134kms and another Personal Best of 148kms . I had taken to the Flatlands like a duck takes to water. I had found my way to stay in paragliding and flourish.

The second leg of the XC Open was in Piedrahita six months later in September 2007. The field of female pilots was not the same as in Manilla where the worlds top lady pilots were competing in practice for the Paragliding World Cup afterwards. But I was still considered the weakest of the line up. Due to an altercation with Khobi whilst on the Cloudbase Tour of Europe in August, she decided it was best that I not be a part of the South African ladies team and I find other accommodation separate from my fellow South Africans. The others were taken aback by her decision, but seeing as Khobi had made all the arrangements for the accommodation and transport, they went along with it.

Gaynor Schoeman - Best Lady XC Open World Series 2007 This hurt a great deal. I was instrumental in encouraging our four South African Ladies to enter the Piedrahita competition and I had worked hard on trying to get sponsorship for all of them. I had failed, but I had really put my heart into it. Khobi's decision did motivate and give me focus however. My goal was to finish ahead of just one pilot - Khobi-Jane Bowden and her Predator DHV 2-3. Revenge is an ugly emotion, but at the time, nothing else mattered. In kickboxing we call it a 'grudge match'. Not a pure way to compete in paragliding, but I needed something, anything to help me through the depression and she, unwittingly, gave me my life-line. The intensity of my focus and knowing that she was my 'goal', shook Khobi's confidence enough to give me the psychological edge and in the end it was 'no contest'. Little did I know that my newly sparked competitive spirit would take me to the winners podium for that competition and the World Series.

Was this in the spirit of paragliding and competition flying?

In paragliding in general, I would like to think not. It was the first and only time that I ever felt this powerful emotion in six years of paragliding, but it did surface in a competition. Is this normal for competition paragliding then? Or is it just me?

Klause-Guenter Eberl - winner of the Series

Klause-Guenter Eberl - went on to win the Series

When Klause Gunter (he went on to win the Series) told me that I had won the last task at Piedrahita, I was so happy for those few minutes. This was pure and had no direct bearing on my side competition with Khobi as she had retired from the comp early on. This was about experiencing a great flight and winning. It was about flying with the skygods and winning. My sense of achievement and good fortune was immense. But as I quietly sat next to the score sheet at Headquarters updating my website with the scores, my pleasure slowly drained out of me. The international pilots were pleased for me and some even exuberant in their congratulations ... but the South Africans ...... as they checked the score board, one by one, they slowly turned away, cold as stone or disgruntled. Not one of them was able to bring themselves to say ' Well flown, Gaynor'. Only Dessie, sitting at the Airport in Madrid for an early flight home, was enthusiastic with her congratulations as we exchanged SMS's. She knew how much it meant to me, especially since she knew of my on going battle with fear the past 3 years. She knew it was an achievement for me just to be flying, let alone winning a competition task.

It got worse. Before the prize giving, Gary Whitecross, one of the South African pilots, did try to congratulate me, but by now I was close to tears and unable to be graceful about his belated attempts. The same with Jan Minnaar, partner to Khobi. The wife of another pilot who lives partly in South Africa but flies for another country, accused me of thinking too much of myself and that her husband was a far better pilot than I ever would be. To top it off, I was told that I was the most hated pilot in South Africa. Although I know this is not true (how is it possible to be a paraglider pilot and hate anyone?), the vehemence and hatred with which these words were spat at me, sent me reeling as intended. I could barely stand on the winners podium and stretch a smile across my face let alone give a speech about how I flew that final task. As soon as I stepped off the podium I ran away to hide in my room.

I knew what it was like to win and to lose in that one night.

So was winning the comp worth it?

Yes, I am very glad that I went to Piedrahita and Manilla. They have done wonders for my shaky confidence in flying and given me a purpose this year which I sorely needed. I took out a R200 000 loan on my property in order for me to do so and paying the debt back is extremely difficult for me now, but I did something I really wanted to do and I supersede my own expectations by far. I have no regrets, except that I wish that I had managed my depression better and not gone on such a long tour with Cloudbase and Khobi. I can hide my depression from people I spend only a few days with, but I cannot hide it from people I am spending 24hrs a day with for a month.

Do I feel I deserve to be Best Lady of the XC Open World Series?

Yes and No.

Gaynor Schoeman aka FLYGIRL (photo Lesley Richards)

No, from the point of view that there are far better female cross country pilots out there than I. Anyone one of those who finished ahead of me in Manilla could have taken this Title and been more deserved of it - especially Dorothea Stichlmair. The only way to know for sure if I am 'worthy' of the title, would be to fly with these women again - and win. But without funds to compete in the XC Open Series in 2008, I will not know the answer to that for some time to come.

Yes I do believe I deserve the title Best Lady, in that the XC Open Series is about the long haul where pilots fly a series of competitions at different locations (like in rugby and cricket) to determine the overall winner and I competed in that same spirit . In my first International competition in Manilla, Australia I flew for the love of flying. In Piedrahita I flew to win. I wanted very much to go to Argentina and fly that final leg, and was in angst knowing that I had no money left to do so. I never thought I could win the Series in the Ladies Class, but when I was told that the points were close enough that I could, I was beside myself with worry that I would lose. Still, I managed to squeak ahead of Dorothea and take the Title.

But now that I have it .... I wish that I could fly with these women again, just to be sure that I really am 'worthy' of the Title - and should I fail to win it a second time, at least I will know that I dared to compete, dared to win and dared to lose. All of which would be a personal achievement. And that is all that matters.

Read Jaco Wolmarans article on Building Confidence and Grief by Lowell Skoog. These articles helped me to understand what I was going through and to fly again..

FLYGIRL

Last Updated ( Thursday, 10 July 2008 )

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